Choose Your Poison; A View From a Member of The Church of Madness

My last diary was about trust and the fact that I'm considered by some to be a good friend.  While I need and want people in my life, I don't want them too close and I take deliberate steps to make sure they don't get too close.  

I'm no one special; there's nothing outstanding about me.  I'm not any smarter, nicer, or kinder than anyone else.  I'm no authority on life's circumstances and/or how to deal with them.   However, at some point or another, my relationships come down to people wanting my agreement and/or approval on whatever information they're choosing to share and it oftentimes makes me feel uncomfortable, awkward, and disturbingly unsettled.  Normally, I do my best to be courteous, polite, understanding and kind, while at the same time stating my thoughts as unmistakably distinct as possible and it hasn't been an easy ride.  My problem, recently, is how am I suppose to be understanding and kind when prejudice has asked forgiveness and understanding of me?  I suspect some of it comes my way because, to a number of people, I'm mad as a hatter.  

Many of you are aware that clinical unipolar depressive disorder and agoraphobia are a part of my everyday life and a part of what makes me me.  To many in my life, this means that I'm nuts, or, at the very least, foolish, eccentric, touched or disturbed; a person to be regarded with some degree of caution and someone to be treated disparately.  To some measure, I guess this is true.  I won't be going shopping at the mall with anyone, concerts either.  Large gatherings are out, too.  Sorry.  I'm not all that talkative unless I know someone well and I am overly cautious regarding people in general.  I find people, as a whole, to be an anomaly and, in most cases a contradiction in terms.  And just when I think I have "us" figured out, "we" change our form.  (See definition 3a.)

On the other hand, my "nuttiness" has its benefits to some.  Because they consider me to be a bit touched, some seem to think I possess some type of wisdom and understanding about things "regular" people can't/won't understand.  I'll say right here that this is patently untrue and incorrect.  I've always thought "outside of the box" and have, rarely if ever, followed "the rules" of conformity.  This tends to make some people very uncomfortable and others very comfortable, especially when it comes to sharing information that folks wouldn't, ordinarily, share with just anyone.  I believe that some of this "openness" may be because of "how I am," and may be some of why a number of people feel comfortable sharing their "secrets" with me.

The folks in my life who live "a life less ordinary" have come to trust me with much.  Some gay and lesbian friends and relatives share their joys and their sorrows.  People who've decided to date or take partners outside of their race come to me to share their loves, lives, gains, and losses.  

Sadly, even though we're now into the twenty-first century, these life choices are still viewed by some to be wrong and shouldn't be approved of or tolerated by anyone, ever.  And some of the people who look at these decisions as wrong are my friends and family members.  And I'm betting they're some of yours as well. Does it sadden and/or outrage you as it does me?  If you answered, "Yes," then you may be a little "mad" too.  :0)

I find it very saddening and maddening to find that any sort of prejudice exists today.  Are understanding and tolerance just archaic notions?  I thought not.  I thought we were growing beyond this type of narrow/closed-mindedness.  Sadly, I was wrong; at least regarding my "fold" of friends and family I was and am.  

I grew up in a very strict Catholic household; direct relatives and extended family members were Catholic.  I grew up listening to how lack of belief or faith and/or other forms of spirituality were wrong or, at the very least, unenlightened.  Over the years, I watched our family and circle of friends grow.  Atheists, agnostics, and people of other faiths joined our fold and, while accepted to some degree, they were still viewed as being "less than", somehow.  Some, I was told, were just ignorant; they weren't educated enough to understand that they were wrong in their disbelief or their questioning a belief in something greater than themselves.  As time went on, I'd hear the same type of disparaging talk coming from the atheist and agnostic members of the fold and the folks of other faiths as well, about the Catholics and each other.  As time went on, I kept my thoughts about all this to myself and listened as each group would, verbally, tear the other group apart or ridicule them for their beliefs and disbelief, whether behind the others' back or to their faces.  And it all got tedious, tiresome, and annoying.

I watched as our fold grew further and changed.  I watched as some friends and  family members became comfortable with their "true" identities, some coming out and others living lives of quiet desperation, "in the closet", hoping against hope that no one "in the fold" would discover the truth about their orientation. I watched as many of the practicing Catholics, some of other spiritual beliefs, and quite a few of the "ignorant disbelievers" would mock and disparage these outed and/or closeted homosexual family members when they thought only the "right" people were in hearing distance. And I found it nauseating and vile.

I listened while the closeted gay friends and family members angrily denied any suggestion of homosexuality, even to people who would've/could've been accepting.  I watch as some still live "in the closet," deludedly convinced that only the right people "know."  Why?  I suspect because they believe that some of the people who mean the most to them won't love them if they knew the truth.  To me, this is heartbreaking and gut-wrenching.  Sadly, regarding "our fold", they're probably right and it makes me sad and angry.

But it seems to go even deeper, some of the homosexual members of my fold have issues with the folks (gay or straight) who choose to date outside of their race; you can date someone of your own sex, but not of a different race.  Some of the straight members of the fold have issues with any of these choices; men date women and vice versa and you stick with your own race.  And I find it to be intolerant, insensitive, ignorant, and cruel, across the board.

I've always believed that love, understanding, acceptance, and tolerance just naturally came within family circles and close friends.  I was wrong; boy, was I wrong.  I have so many people bouncing things off of me, and trying to make me understand how wrong my open-mindedness is that my head's swimming.  I try telling everyone that people are entitled to live their own lives and, as long as they're not hurting anyone, including themselves, that whatever people choose to believe or not believe, whoever anyone chooses to date or chooses as their life partner is their own business.  Shouldn't we just be happy that the people involved are happy?  No.  "Please enlighten me," I say.  "Why is "their" happiness making you so unhappy?"  Well the homosexual behavior is unnatural.  It goes against the natural order.  "Really?" I ask.  Do you have any facts that back up this theory of yours."  Well, no, but it's just wrong.  "Okay," I reply.  "Well it is America, a free country; you're allowed to think so, but I don't agree with you on this at all.  If you're interested, I can offer you a lot of scientific facts that might open a whole new perspective for you and may help you to see things a little differently."  No, Dreaming; I know people and how people operate.  "Okay then; this conversation is officially over."

The catalyst for this whole introspective diatribe is that an extended family member has married someone of a race other than "ours."  What's our race you may ask,  Silly me, I thought the correct answer to be "human."  In response I've been asked not to be a smart ass.  In truth, it's mixed.  Very mixed.  But to "the fold," it's white.  My ethnic heritage is a half Italian (a quarter  
Calabrese, and one quarter Sicilian), one quarter Hungarian, and one quarter Slovak.  

Many other ethnic varieties have married into "the fold."  And the discussions and verbal sniping that's gone on over the years has been horrid; each and every ethnic heritage, of course, being the more superior.  One of the people in question, the extended family member, (Person A) is ethnic maternally, one quarter Calabrese, one quarter Sicilian, and one half Irish; ethnic paternally, Scots-Irish, I believe, but am not completely certain of this (probably because I find this information to be irrelevant and insignificant).  The other person in question (Person B) is three quarters African American and one quarter Japanese; this is the person whose ethnic background is causing such a clamor within "the fold."

Quite a few members of the fold are being less than accepting and some have considered "disowning" Person A.  Still others have decided to keep Person A in "the fold," but Person B isn't welcome.  Many of "the fold" have come to me, asking my thoughts on this marriage.  "I think it's wonderful," I said.  "Person A is just delightful and has been since I've known them.  Person B must be an exceptional person for Person A to have asked them to get married."  Dreaming, how can you say something like this?  "Well, I've accepted so much about everyone in our fold, including the few gay and lesbian members who've been brave enough to come out, why wouldn't I accept and embrace this lovely union."  Dreaming, you can't be serious.  And no one in our fold is homosexual.  "Oh, that's right.  I forgot.  Look, I try hard to understand and embrace most things.  I don't want to become too sure of myself and I don't want to become complacent.  Everyone seems to be missing what I view to be the most important thing in all this discussion:  and that is that Person A loves Person B and loves them enough to have made them their spouse.  Does this fact only matter to a few of us?  You may want to pass this fact along to the rest of the fold.  And rest assured that if Person B's skin color were silver and they arrived in a spaceship, I'd welcome and embrace them just the same."  Well, that's just crazy talk.  "Well, might I remind you that I am crazy," was my reply.

A few days ago I sent Persons A and B a thoughtful wedding card congratulating them and welcoming Person B into the fold.  And so I sit here smiling, with all my tattoos and ear piercings.  (These too were caused by my madness, or so I've been told.)  I'm smiling because I'm quite pleased with myself and very much at peace with my thoughts on this marriage.  But then, what do I know?  I'm mad, you see.

Desiderata
by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be
greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

(Source)