Survival

This is the story of one person's life struggle.  The struggle to survive, be happy, make a difference, be remembered.

We've all met them - the people seemingly with no history.  They are just there.  You know them, but you don't.  You hear tales of family, kids perhaps, past adventures.  But you never meet anyone who can confirm.  No old friends, no family members.  And you wonder.  Why is this seemingly intelligent, interesting, lovely person all alone in the world?  By choice?  By accident?  Or perhaps destiny is pre-ordained, and we all end up where we are supposed to be - all beyond our control.

This is the true, detailed story of one such woman.  Please join me, as it will make her feel not so alone on another "family day" spent without family.

Day One - Born a month early, requiring a lengthy hospital stay.  Parents have a one month old adopted child at home, after several miscarriages in five years.  These two circumstances converge to leave this newborn without the crucial bond of mother and baby, in the initial stage of life.  Now please factor in the worst possible abuse an infant can be subjected to.  Yes, I'm speaking of sexual abuse.  Hidden from the child for the bulk of her life, but affecting nearly every relationship she will have with men, adults, authority, and family.

Childhood - A loner, content to spend her days with her animals, friendly but avoiding closeness with anyone.  Reluctant to show affection, reluctant to accept affection.  Without the maternal bond and a work-related absentee father, the girl grows up alone with her thoughts, absorbing and analyzing life as it goes on around her.  Her adopted sister has a special closeness with her mother, obvious to all.  The girl is not jealous, but puzzled.  Why is she not worth hugging?  Perhaps because she herself has made it clear she neither wants nor accepts the human touch.  It makes her uncomfortable, but she is a child, and cannot rationalize all this.  She cannot understand that she is creating her own isolation.

Teens - Our girl is now a shy, backwards, naive country bumpkin.  More and more of her life is spent solely with animals, and the employment necessary to pay for them.  Now imagine this troubled young girl being the victim of a stalker.  A mature bachelor, violent in nature, with the obsession of every control freak once they've picked their victim.  Our girl doesn't stand a chance.  Raped, assaulted time after time, until she is pregnant.  Because of her past life, and Christian upbringing, our girl is rendered mute by these events.  Noone to tell, and convinced she deserves her treatment, as God would not allow this to happen to her otherwise.  Convinced she is now "damaged goods", a sinner, and doomed to hell.  Our girl goes on to meekly accept the demands of her abuser, including marriage.  She cries out to her mother, begging her to stop this, begging her mother to save her.  But she does it silently, and her mother cannot hear her.  The excuses she makes up for her bruises, broken bones, hospital visits are never challenged.  Once again, our girl has created her own isolation but is unaware.

Twenties - Our girl finds a last seed of preservation, self-esteem, hope.  She leaves her abuser, with a gun at her back and her children in her arms.  Even this act of survival will torment her for decades.  In her mind, this was the act of an unfit parent.  In her mind, she was willing to die rather than stay with her abuser.  But don't you see, it also means she was willing to take the chance her children would end up with him after her death.  Our girl goes on to believe she should have stayed, endured, accepted her punishment.  

And life goes on.  Our girl makes her way, raises her children, endures.  And always, her animals keep her sane, give her peace, a reason to live.  And there you have Unfit Parent Act #2.  Her children should be her reason to live.  She adores them, she expresses love, gives it freely, accepts their's in return.  But they are not enough.  Not enough to provide the will to keep going.  Not enough to ease the mental torment from unknowns demons who haunt her every sleeping hour.  Not enough to stop the nightmares, stop the fears, provide the sanctuary she craves.  Only her animals can do that.  They are her survival, and she will sacrifice anything for them, as they mean her very life.

Prince Charming - Yes, our girl does meet him.  She falls under his spell, as does everyone who meets him.  Devastatingly handsome, funny, intelligent, ambitious, caring.  He loves her - truly, madly, deeply, as the song goes.  And lo and behold, our girl loves him back.  For the first time in her life she knows the honest love between a man and a woman.  She keeps her secrets, but she opens her heart to this man.  She becomes a wife.  A true wife, one who is a partner.  Our girl experiences the joy of parenthood, with a man who wants his children, loves his wife for giving them to him.  

Thirties - Our girl has a wonderful life.  Financially secure, blessed in every way.  Successful happy children, a beautiful home, a loving husband.  She has her animals still - her safe haven.  All is right with the world.  

Except.  Her children from her first marriage have hit their mid-teens.  Seemingly doing fine, but a few bumps in the road with grades.  Then more bumps.  Nothing serious, easily overlooked.  And then the day.  The day she is told her husband, her Prince Charming, has been molesting her children for years.  

Our girl does the "right" thing.  She leaves her husband, but supports him through the court proceedings, as a good wife should.  She gets counseling for her children, but not herself - money away from the family.  She can deal, she always has.  Or so she thinks.  And the seed of Unfit Parent Act #3 takes root - she married a child predator.  She missed the flags, allowed herself to get close, and the innocent suffered.  She will not let it happen again.

Twenty years have passed since the "day".  Our girl maintains limited contact with her children, as guilt consumes her.  She will never make the mistake of closeness again, so dwells alone, moving constantly, changing jobs, while finances crumble.  And in adulthood, she finally knows why her life was shaped the way it was.  But it is lost.  There is no going back, no fixing, no changing.  Some scars do not fade.  Their ugliness remains for all time.

If I can ask one thing of my readers here - Keep your eyes and hearts open.  A kind word, a smile, the smallest trinket for the lonely hearts around you.  It means more than you know to the loneliest souls.