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I left my functioning alcoholic husband, whom I loved very much, when I realized my 6 yo had figured out how to lie to cover up for her Dad.
"He's not feeling very well." It broke my heart and made me come to my senses.
A few years later, I had a nice old farmhouse sitting empty, while I moved onto a much happier part of my life. Through my local Unitarian Church, I filled it with whoever needed a little help at the time. The Church tended to bring mothers fleeing abusers, because that is an issue for which I have some passion.
I never went to the house while it was being used that way. The church guy looked after it for me and if I needed something done, the church did it themselves.
About two years after I let the house to the Church, I needed it back. I let my ex-husband move into it. He had finally reached rock bottom and needed help.
In the house he found a notebook into which all of the women who had stayed in the house had written their stores, and left it for me. Sometimes the kids had put pictures. It is a heartbreaking thing to read, as yours is.
It was some wonderous knitting of love and life and hope that he found that notebook. And read it. And saw his story from the other side.
He has now been dry and attending meetings for a year. He keeps the notebook. I think in the meetings when they talk about a higher power, he thinks about this book.
What a gift it is to take this experience and turn it into something positive and life affirming.
With love,
BTDT
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by Pax Amicus on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 06:08:18 AM PDT
[ Parent ]
others, including your husband, through the stories told in the notebook -- could make a very interesting and potentially power novel of hope for those who are suffering.
Would you consider creating such an account, fictionalizing aspects to protect the identities as necessary?
I would love to read such a testament of hope and recovery, and know others would be inspired by it.
Never, never brave me, nor my fury tempt: Downy wings, but wroth they beat; Tempest even in reason's seat.
by GreyHawk on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 07:01:35 AM PDT
I will now.
Right off the top of my head it feels wrong to me, but your point it might help other people is a good one.
I'll let it roll around in my head a bit.
by Pax Amicus on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 07:52:06 AM PDT
One never knows where one may get the inspiration to handle life's travails.
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by TexDem on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 08:29:10 AM PDT
Please keep me in mind if you'd like to undertake such a project. I have a few years of professional writing under my belt, and perhaps could help make the idea reality.
I also have the necessary first-hand experience with domestic violence -- dating to the days before we even had that term to describe it.
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by Coolwateroverstones on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 09:00:21 AM PDT
you have one of the most wonderful UID names on this here blog.
Just saying.
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by Sharoney on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 04:07:23 PM PDT
by Pax Amicus on Thu Dec 27, 2007 at 05:08:36 AM PDT
always so much vulnerability and potential for betrayal of trust or creating opportunities for vultures to prey upon those who have been weakened and exposed by such horrors.
That's why it would have to be fairly fictionalized, with certain aspects mirrored and others masked.
You would likely be unable to directly relate any of the other stories; even your own would probably require "adjusting" to avoid claims of libel and slander etc. by those who might not shine so brightly under the light of exposure.
But in terms of relating the spirit of hope, the courage to help, the courage that it takes to accept help or admit problems, and the tremendous healing power that your ex was exposed to when he himself was helped and was then confronted by the simple truths of what "the other side of the coin" experienced -- those are potent, powerful, healing and human experiences. The detail need not match the actual occurrence, so long as the spirit is preserved and shared.
Your sense of protectiveness would likely ensure that you avoid any betrayal of trust in the crafting and relating of any such tale.
Ultimately, tho, you'll be the only one who can decide if it's a tale you can comfortably tell, and it should only be told if any discomfort to you is simply in the remembering and not in any other way detrimental -- memories may always dredge up pain, but they afford an avenue for healing. "Other" types of pain and discomfort may not be so forgiving, so it's not something I can urge you to undertake without acknowleding that, in spite of the potential for good such a tale could bring, the potential for ill if the tale is forced or causes more trouble can be far worse.
If you go for it, I trust your instincts to know when, how and how far to take it. We (speaking at least for myself and presuming much on behalf of some of the others here) are here regardless.
;)
by GreyHawk on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 09:11:03 AM PDT
The place could be masked with a fair-use picture of a barn. Names substituted, you could even move the story to another part of a make-believe country. All you'd have to do is state at the beginning that this is what you have done.
Mask physical descriptions as in height, hair and eyes and you have a story worth telling!
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by kfred on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 01:27:47 PM PDT
fortunately he was too drunk and sick most of the time to actually hurt anybody.
People turned their lives inside out trying to help him. He never got better and died from alcoholic poisoning after he'd blown out his liver.
One person can do so much damage to a family, to everybody around him.
The sleep of reason brings forth monsters. --Goya
by MadScientist on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 07:25:33 AM PDT
My father wasn't an alcoholic but he was a sociopathic sexist, racist, bigot, and an abusive husband and father. He affected so many lives in a very damaging and painful way that I still can't find it in me to forgive him. Although he's old now and dependent, you can still the same abusive individual when he lets his guard down.
by Fallon on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 05:29:26 PM PDT
Bless you.
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by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 11:01:34 AM PDT
I'm sure that book must be heart-breaking and it's fascinating that it ended up in the hands of someone who so badly needed to become aware of the pain that abuse causes.
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by kainah on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 03:57:04 PM PDT
...to talk to the minister of the Unitarian Church who used the house.
I would like to get a feel for whether or not it might be possible for them to approach the women and ask them, or if that's even a good idea.
It might not be, they may need their privacy now.
I'd just like to talk it out a little. Unitarians are good for that. Ha! (I can say that, I am one!)
by Pax Amicus on Thu Dec 27, 2007 at 05:06:49 AM PDT
I want to correct any misimpression I created. My ex was not physically abusive. He was an alcoholic, with all the issues that surround that. He saw the thread of alcoholism and pain running through those women's stories, and that's what moved him.
He is a gentle guy.
by Pax Amicus on Thu Dec 27, 2007 at 05:11:53 AM PDT
wide narrow
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