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who were not lucky like I was. Prayers and help for all those who are abused, frightened or tortured.
1-20-09 The Darkness Ends "Where cruelty exists, law does not." ~ Alberto Mora
by noweasels on Tue Dec 25, 2007 at 11:31:26 PM PDT
Thanks for writing this. Sending you some love from all of us at the FireCrow compound. I'll send you an email later today weez about DeannaHawks friend we spoke about. right now I'm late for work. oops. gotta run.
The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." Carlos Castaneda
by FireCrow on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 04:42:34 AM PDT
[ Parent ]
Bless you and DeannaHawk
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 10:51:00 AM PDT
Thank you for telling your story.
You are a champion for humanity.
A friend of mine said that she dated a wealthy young man once, & she was at the dinner table with him & his mother one night. She said something innocent, & he cold-cocked her, right there in front of his mother! His mother said nothing.
The idea that only lower class women are abused is a fiction that needs to be exposed. Women in the upper classes need to start coming out & making noise with the rest of us about it. I suspect they're afraid of losing the money & stature, but those days are over. Princess Di, though not physically abused, broke down that wall way up the socioeconomic ladder.
Thank you for your support of Pretty Bird Woman House.
Happy holidays, & a glorious New Year to you, dear nw, and to all of us.
Dean DNC ka-ching! button
by x on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 04:42:59 AM PDT
(or maybe afraid?) to respond to domestics when they occur in wealthier households. Yet no socioeconomic class is immune.
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election. --Otto von Bismarck
by Ice Blue on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 08:45:24 AM PDT
It is truly shocking and painful to hear these stories. And there are so many of them it scares me. Do we really have that fragile of a hold on our humanity? My father was an abuser and I worry all of the time that perhaps I might turn out like him. It so often happnes that the children of abusers go on to become abusers themselves. I wonder if abusers can even begin to comprehend just how far they have sunk into the depths of depravity, just how much pain they are causing people they should love. Do they really want to be regarded with the fear and loathing that eventually overcomes their victims no matter how much they once loved their tormentor? I was so surprised to read these words, especially since noweasels seems to be such a gentle, caring soul. Who would suspect that she had suffered so much and yet still found the compassion and humanity to comfort others. May God bless her and keep her and comfort her and all those who suffer abuse and may all victims find the strength and the help they need to find the better life they deserve.
by MagisterLudi on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 10:09:04 AM PDT
Thank you for your kindest of words.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 10:55:26 AM PDT
who have gone through the foster care system. All had been abused by birth parents, most had also been abused by foster parents. One of the most breath taking moments came when one of the girls said, "I don't want to grow up like my mother." (meaning, abusive) One of the older girls said, "You don't have to." Another chimed in and said, "You have the ability to choose who you want to be. If you want to be a loser you can go that way, but if you want to be a good person you can make those choices. It is all up to you." This was from the mouth of a 19 yr. old. (the other older teen was 16; the girl worrying about turning out like her mother was 13) I was IMPRESSED by these teens! They really had their acts together. (All have been through therapy, and it shows.)
by CheckM8 Groundling on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 04:19:38 PM PDT
Thank you for his hopeful comment!
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 04:28:40 PM PDT
early can make their whole lives different, and interrupt the generational cycle of abuse or dysfunctional behavior being passed on (like that sense of helplessness that so many daughters of abused mothers carry).
This is what Pretty Bird Woman House is trying to do too. They are struggling right now to just have a shelter for women who need to leave home, and their children. And to provide medical, legal, and emotional support for rape victims. But their plans include classes on parenting, classes to help women know what rights and resources they have in various situations, help getting GEDs and finding jobs, more legal advocates for women and children, and also classes for men involved in domestic violence. Anger management, that kind of thing.
Georgia Little Shields, director of PBWH, tells a really disturbing story about her daughter's husband beating her daughter. Then he was remorseful, drove her to the hospitcal, and called the police and told them to come and arrest him. So the surgeons were in there repairing his wife's shattered nose, the guy was standing in the reception area in a shirt covered with his wife's blood, and police from a couple of different agencies arrived and argued over who was supposed to be reponsible for this particular kind of case when Indians were involved. (It's a kind of bickering that goes on a lot where reservations are concerned.) Finally, one of the officers gave him back his car keys and told him to leave, that nothing was going to happen. And nothing did.
Last year, PBWH advocates assisted in bringing over a hundred cases of domestic violence before the Tribal Court. Without their help, many of those cases would have been dropped, and there would be that many more cases of nothing being done.
Vote John McCain for a Hundred Year War!
by Fiona West on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 05:50:52 PM PDT
I thought it was important to tell my story for those reasons. Bless you.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 10:51:57 AM PDT
A few years ago, in Massachusetts, there was a traveling exhibit about the issue of abuse among upper and middle income families.
Layered over blue velvet, dead roses lie with white picket fence, framing a blue velvet pillow supporting golden handcuffs. The title came from a group of Andover women from middle to upper class homes who met to try to cope with domestic violence. They labeled their situation "Golden Handcuffs," as their abusers typically bought them expensive gifts to "make up for" the incidents of violence. This piece focuses on the lack of awareness and support for middle and upper class women suffering from domestic abuse, telling the story of their continual, forced facade. Small, ornate picture frames within the display offer statistics and examples of their predicament.
Layered over blue velvet, dead roses lie with white picket fence, framing a blue velvet pillow supporting golden handcuffs.
The title came from a group of Andover women from middle to upper class homes who met to try to cope with domestic violence. They labeled their situation "Golden Handcuffs," as their abusers typically bought them expensive gifts to "make up for" the incidents of violence. This piece focuses on the lack of awareness and support for middle and upper class women suffering from domestic abuse, telling the story of their continual, forced facade. Small, ornate picture frames within the display offer statistics and examples of their predicament.
Dump Steny Hoyer
by mataliandy on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 11:05:15 AM PDT
I recently received an email from a Kossack who is in an abusive relationship because she needs to keep her husband's health insurance.
It never occurred to me until I received her absolutely heartbreaking note, that people are staying in these horrible situations because they need the health benefits.
noweasels, would you be in contact with her if she agrees?
Tell your healthcare and insurance horror stories at Guaranteed Healthcare
by nyceve on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 04:55:27 AM PDT
AT the very least, I could provide some moral support. Bless you.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 10:56:50 AM PDT
I left my functioning alcoholic husband, whom I loved very much, when I realized my 6 yo had figured out how to lie to cover up for her Dad.
"He's not feeling very well." It broke my heart and made me come to my senses.
A few years later, I had a nice old farmhouse sitting empty, while I moved onto a much happier part of my life. Through my local Unitarian Church, I filled it with whoever needed a little help at the time. The Church tended to bring mothers fleeing abusers, because that is an issue for which I have some passion.
I never went to the house while it was being used that way. The church guy looked after it for me and if I needed something done, the church did it themselves.
About two years after I let the house to the Church, I needed it back. I let my ex-husband move into it. He had finally reached rock bottom and needed help.
In the house he found a notebook into which all of the women who had stayed in the house had written their stores, and left it for me. Sometimes the kids had put pictures. It is a heartbreaking thing to read, as yours is.
It was some wonderous knitting of love and life and hope that he found that notebook. And read it. And saw his story from the other side.
He has now been dry and attending meetings for a year. He keeps the notebook. I think in the meetings when they talk about a higher power, he thinks about this book.
What a gift it is to take this experience and turn it into something positive and life affirming.
With love,
BTDT
"America is great because she is good. If America ceases to be good, America will cease to be great." ~ Alexis de Tocqueville
by Pax Amicus on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 06:08:18 AM PDT
others, including your husband, through the stories told in the notebook -- could make a very interesting and potentially power novel of hope for those who are suffering.
Would you consider creating such an account, fictionalizing aspects to protect the identities as necessary?
I would love to read such a testament of hope and recovery, and know others would be inspired by it.
Never, never brave me, nor my fury tempt: Downy wings, but wroth they beat; Tempest even in reason's seat.
by GreyHawk on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 07:01:35 AM PDT
I will now.
Right off the top of my head it feels wrong to me, but your point it might help other people is a good one.
I'll let it roll around in my head a bit.
by Pax Amicus on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 07:52:06 AM PDT
One never knows where one may get the inspiration to handle life's travails.
Support the Troops; Buy Mojo Friday Apparel
by TexDem on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 08:29:10 AM PDT
Please keep me in mind if you'd like to undertake such a project. I have a few years of professional writing under my belt, and perhaps could help make the idea reality.
I also have the necessary first-hand experience with domestic violence -- dating to the days before we even had that term to describe it.
Best, Coolwateroverstones ~
Freedom = Responsibility
by Coolwateroverstones on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 09:00:21 AM PDT
you have one of the most wonderful UID names on this here blog.
Just saying.
John McCain--Anti-choice and anti-woman!
by Sharoney on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 04:07:23 PM PDT
by Pax Amicus on Thu Dec 27, 2007 at 05:08:36 AM PDT
always so much vulnerability and potential for betrayal of trust or creating opportunities for vultures to prey upon those who have been weakened and exposed by such horrors.
That's why it would have to be fairly fictionalized, with certain aspects mirrored and others masked.
You would likely be unable to directly relate any of the other stories; even your own would probably require "adjusting" to avoid claims of libel and slander etc. by those who might not shine so brightly under the light of exposure.
But in terms of relating the spirit of hope, the courage to help, the courage that it takes to accept help or admit problems, and the tremendous healing power that your ex was exposed to when he himself was helped and was then confronted by the simple truths of what "the other side of the coin" experienced -- those are potent, powerful, healing and human experiences. The detail need not match the actual occurrence, so long as the spirit is preserved and shared.
Your sense of protectiveness would likely ensure that you avoid any betrayal of trust in the crafting and relating of any such tale.
Ultimately, tho, you'll be the only one who can decide if it's a tale you can comfortably tell, and it should only be told if any discomfort to you is simply in the remembering and not in any other way detrimental -- memories may always dredge up pain, but they afford an avenue for healing. "Other" types of pain and discomfort may not be so forgiving, so it's not something I can urge you to undertake without acknowleding that, in spite of the potential for good such a tale could bring, the potential for ill if the tale is forced or causes more trouble can be far worse.
If you go for it, I trust your instincts to know when, how and how far to take it. We (speaking at least for myself and presuming much on behalf of some of the others here) are here regardless.
;)
by GreyHawk on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 09:11:03 AM PDT
The place could be masked with a fair-use picture of a barn. Names substituted, you could even move the story to another part of a make-believe country. All you'd have to do is state at the beginning that this is what you have done.
Mask physical descriptions as in height, hair and eyes and you have a story worth telling!
ePluribusMedia.org Join US!
by kfred on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 01:27:47 PM PDT
fortunately he was too drunk and sick most of the time to actually hurt anybody.
People turned their lives inside out trying to help him. He never got better and died from alcoholic poisoning after he'd blown out his liver.
One person can do so much damage to a family, to everybody around him.
The sleep of reason brings forth monsters. --Goya
by MadScientist on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 07:25:33 AM PDT
My father wasn't an alcoholic but he was a sociopathic sexist, racist, bigot, and an abusive husband and father. He affected so many lives in a very damaging and painful way that I still can't find it in me to forgive him. Although he's old now and dependent, you can still the same abusive individual when he lets his guard down.
by Fallon on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 05:29:26 PM PDT
Bless you.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 11:01:34 AM PDT
I'm sure that book must be heart-breaking and it's fascinating that it ended up in the hands of someone who so badly needed to become aware of the pain that abuse causes.
Turn the Mountain West blue! Support Gary Trauner for Wyoming's only House seat!
by kainah on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 03:57:04 PM PDT
...to talk to the minister of the Unitarian Church who used the house.
I would like to get a feel for whether or not it might be possible for them to approach the women and ask them, or if that's even a good idea.
It might not be, they may need their privacy now.
I'd just like to talk it out a little. Unitarians are good for that. Ha! (I can say that, I am one!)
by Pax Amicus on Thu Dec 27, 2007 at 05:06:49 AM PDT
I want to correct any misimpression I created. My ex was not physically abusive. He was an alcoholic, with all the issues that surround that. He saw the thread of alcoholism and pain running through those women's stories, and that's what moved him.
He is a gentle guy.
by Pax Amicus on Thu Dec 27, 2007 at 05:11:53 AM PDT
being rich or making it through 18 years of education is no protection against sociopaths, and noweasals' husband sounds like a classic sociopath.
I'd had my doubts in my own life but told myself to wait for yesterday, when, lo-and-behold, the one in my life didn't buy me a single gift for Christmas. We're not in the best financial situation but if we were, I realize it would be a thoroughly cheap gift she'd give me anyway. Sociopaths are best betrayed by their inability to buy anything that is genuinely selfless, and usually can only be generous when it will make them look good to outside parties or maintains a power structure.
Sociopaths are almost impossible to wrap your head around if you aren't one, unless you have years of horrifying experience.
Don't look sideways at the people you love, but as our society gets increasingly anti-social these people will increasingly abuse the institutions of our country--marraige, business, politics, law enforcement et cetera--with little to no detection.
Plus, he knows what crapped out means, which will help him explain his condition on the morning of November 5 - PBCliberal
by Nulwee on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 06:33:43 AM PDT
I mean, if a person knew they were this way, could they compensate for it or retrain their minds? Strange.
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. - Calvin
by iconoclastic cat on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 08:00:33 AM PDT
I think that bears asking.
by BrandonM on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 08:57:37 AM PDT
"Can sociopaths reform?" is twofold:
(1) Can such a person learn empathy as an adult, or has some sort of critical period been missed? (Humans who do not learn conversational language prior to age 12 are never really able to function linguisticly as adults. Is there something like that for empathy?)
(2) Can such a person learn to act in ways that do not hurt other people? (With or without empathy.)
These are open questions.
One particular form of psychotherapy (which I practiced back when I was doing psychotherapy) is Transactional Analysis. TA is one of the few forms of psychotherapy that has shown promise for people with personality disorders in general. I personality had very good results with using this technique.
TA helps the adult person look at four things: What were your emotional experiences as a child? What were the moral messages you received growing up? Now that you are a grown up, how much sense do these messages make? With your adult reasoning power, do you need to "re-write" these "old tapes" from your childhood, and amend your behavior accordingly?
Some of the exercises which are used involve the development of empathy. For example, I was asked to get as much information as possible about my father's emotional upbringing, and to see him as a little boy. When I realized how traumatic his own upbringing had been, I was able to see that he had actually done a bit better in his parenting behavior than would have been predicted. But I also was able to see that a great deal of what he had told me (and my brothers) about life and about my own worth was bullshit. And amend my thinking and behavior accordingly.
Reading the stories of victims of behavior similar to the behavior perpetrated by the client is another way to teach empathy--as happened when the alcoholic man mentioned above read the messages about why other people had ended up in the safe house.
Another technique used in therapy is to get the sociopath to see that the behavior he/she is engaging in is counterproductive to their own longterm best interest. Let them see that a different set of behaviors would work better. An interesting cinematic treatment of this idea is the movie "A History of Violence." I didn't really like the movie much, but the character played by Viggo Mortensen has made conscious choices about actions, in both parts of his double life.
I hope this clarifies the issue instead of muddying it more!
To say my fate is not tied to your fate is like saying, "Your end of the boat is sinking."--Hugh Downs
by Dar Nirron on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 09:36:18 AM PDT
Can you recommend any books on the topic? I don't know why I find this so fascinating, but I do.
by iconoclastic cat on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 12:16:10 PM PDT
The classics: "Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy" by Eric Berne (the founder). "Games People Play" by Eric Berne. "I'm OK--You're OK" by Thomas Harris (was a NYT best seller for months in the 1970's)
Each of these is probably available in libraries; I saw several copies of each available cheap, used, at Amazon.com.
A book I haven't read, but it is highly rated at amazon.com is "TA Today" by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines.
Also, pretty much any book on Transactional Analysis by Claude Steiner. Especially "Games Alcoholics Play" and "Scripts People Live"--which I read back in the day, but I don't have copies now.
An oldies radio station may occasionally play a song based on this; I forget the artist, but the chorus went:
"Oh the games people play now Every night and every day now Never meaning what they say now Never saying what they mean."
by Dar Nirron on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 02:14:27 PM PDT
get this type of person into therapy in the first place, because to do so would be to admit that there is something wrong with them. The sociopath has a vested interest in looking right and being right. That is why, in noweasel's account, her husband was able to blame all the chaos he created on her. The other problem with the sociopath as a patient is that they are masters at manipulation, and will see the therapist not as someone who can really help him, but as another person he can charm and con.
"YOPP!" --Horton Hears a Who
by Reepicheep on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 10:10:22 AM PDT
Written by a Domestic Abuse counselor, who has seen the abusers try to charm their way out of the situation.
And the book is also a ray of light for anyone undergoing abuse: what to do to protect yourself and your children, when to leave, how to leave, when that time comes, etc.
by judybrowni on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 10:51:09 AM PDT
it's not until the person is clean and sober that any diagnosis can be made. The drugs or booze or whatever makes it impossible. Noweasels' ex could have a borderline personality disorder combined with bipolar disorder. However,until he was sober no one can really know.
You are a child of the universe; no less than the trees and the stars... Desiderata
by byteb on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 10:59:28 AM PDT
Mine wasn't, and Why Does He Do That? deals with the large abuser population that may or may not include addicts.
I can't imagine that addiction improves an abuser's behavior -- may of course worsen it -- but in the main abusers don't need the excuse of drugs or alcohol to abuse.
And they don't necessarily fit into neat psychiatric labels.
Read Why Does He Do That?, the author after decades of experience with abusers covers those topics, and much more.
by judybrowni on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 04:42:25 PM PDT
My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive and not an addict. After I left him, I went to law school to prove to myself I had some intelligence after years of belittling and to have some tiny feeling of control as an attorney.
by byteb on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 10:09:54 PM PDT
describe my husband perfectly.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 02:23:57 PM PDT
at work he came across as Mr. Congeniality. Not the case at home around his wife and children. He was a master at manipulation. To this day, I have never heard him apologize to anyone for anything.
by Fallon on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 05:45:05 PM PDT
No. They are the only "real" people in their worlds; everyone else is only a role. My ex- has a borderline personality disorder and is sociopathic. Both are incurable.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 11:06:13 AM PDT
I do wish dKos had a "chat" function, as there are many things I'd like to ask you or discuss that I wouldn't want to talk about w/ a wider audience.
However, I don't know that I agree with you that such personality issues are terminal. I think with early intervention, one can be steered into better behavior (see Dar's response to my question above). A lot of the signature behaviors of such a personality--taking satisfaction in causing discomfort, a lack of ability to see things from another POV--seem like they should be manageable.
Maybe it isn't "curable," but could it perhaps be chronic and treatable?
by iconoclastic cat on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 12:31:46 PM PDT
My email address is noweasels at gmail dot com. And perhaps you are right about personality disorders. The problem with people who have them is that they are also usually pathological liars (my ex- is -- he lies even when the truth is a better story). They even lie to therapists, which makes them incredibly difficult to treat (not to mention frustrating) -- and that is assuming that they recognize there's a problem and seek help, which many of them never do.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 01:34:48 PM PDT
that you see this so clearly. It helps to understand your "role" and how you were taken in by a life-long manipulator. It can happen to anyone; you can't prepare for it.
(-7.75, -7.69) No matter how cynical I get, I just can't keep up - Lily Tomlin
by john07801 on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 12:54:26 PM PDT
Noweasels, I believe you are right. I will not be surprised when scientists some day find that the brains of sociopaths are "wired" differently from other people. But perhaps with further advances, medical scientists might be able to physically change the faulty wiring.
by psyched on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 02:04:30 PM PDT
that I don't think it's possible for a sociopath to change. My father ignored criticism for years and maintained his sick, twisted, belief system all of his life. Although he's older now and dependent upon others for help and therefore hides his true thoughts, they still emerge when his guard drops.
by Fallon on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 05:34:22 PM PDT
ROAD2DC ... IGTNT
by snackdoodle on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 06:34:19 AM PDT
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 11:55:24 AM PDT
Become PROactive instead of reactive. Teach the children, especially girls, that they don't need another person in their lives to be a complete human being. Our mindless society puts forth the idea that because we are born, we must find a "legalized" mate and reproduce as much as possible as our ancestors did. This is causing our current problems. It doesn't need to be so.
Love may be blind but common sense isn't. Think, and think again before handing your life over to another person to be "complete" and fulfilled, to then find out the other person is abusive. Nip it in the bud before the "ownership" ring is on the finger and the contract is signed. Many shelters wouldn't be in such dire straits if women were more educated about relationships and less dependent upon the notion that they're more valuable if they have a mate and produce more children than they're capable of caring for. If a mate becomes abusive right after signing the marriage certificate, why in hell would one bring more human beings into that disfunctional mix? I know you didn't but many do.
A cold statement about "love"? Perhaps. I'm a cynic and make no apologies for it. I have no need to be abused because society expects it. If we teach our children self-worth and self-respect, this wouldn't be an issue. Perhaps we could even put shelters for abused women and children out of business. Wouldn't that be great? Creating new human lives from an abusive relationship is jumping in with both feet with a blindfold on. WTF? Think people, THINK FIRST!
My sympathies are with you, noweasels, for your past pain, you are brave for telling your very personal story. But..... this needs to stop, NOW! If any woman feels she's in a relationship that just doesn't feel right, she needs to end it and get out before it escalates as your relationship did. No one, and I mean no one, female or male, should stay in an abusive relationship for any reason. Stay strong and pay forward your wisdom and knowledge to prevent any and everyone from ending up in a similar nightmare. Cyber hugs to you for coming forward.
Eliminate the electoral college NOW. One person, one vote. No more middlemen!
by Logical One on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 07:23:40 AM PDT
Teach women that they can stand on their own, (at least in this country), and society will change en masse~.
Relationships will be built on love and compatibility, instead of situational expediency.
by BrandonM on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 09:02:33 AM PDT
not to hurt one another? Seems more to the point than teaching protection. Which is, of course, necessary, but would be less necessary if we had fewer sociopaths to start with.
by Dar Nirron on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 09:38:47 AM PDT
No one, and I mean no one, female or male, should stay in an abusive relationship for any reason.
In many cases, before the abuse reaches the worst levels, the victim has been placed into a position that makes escape very difficult.
For example,
If you have no phone, no car, no money in the bank, all credit cards are maxed out, you live in a town with no public transit, and your abuser has charmed the local authorities, how do you arrange, physically, to leave?
If you have a serious illness and need the abuser's insurance benefits to survive, how do you leave?
There are so many more scenarios...
It's easy to tell people they should leave, but sometimes it's hard to get away, and even harder to do so safely.
by mataliandy on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 11:24:24 AM PDT
Good god, what a depressing scenario! However, the signs of what's to come have appeared waaaaay before it gets this bad. No one wakes up one morning to this situation without things going downhill for some time. At the FIRST sign of abuse, and isolation IS abuse, plans need to be made for a possible escape, and every small town across America has at least a Greyhound bus station. Please don't tell me a person in this situation doesn't have at least ONE person to go to for help (church, hospital, grocery store). Run fast, run far, just get OUT!
Besides, were I that seriously ill, to be bounced off walls or have my very life threatened just to have insurance coverage is not a viable excuse to stay. I'd still get out and take the insurance card with me. It would buy some time. Always have a Plan B, C and D, just in case.
Whatever the scenario, personal safety comes first. Nothing else really matters.
by Logical One on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 08:32:05 PM PDT
I agree 100% that teaching our kids and friends about healthy relationships is crucially important.
You are right that the signs of abuse are often there early, but abusers are often charming, and for many reasons, the victim needs to believe that the apology that follows is sincere. Teaching about healthy relationships is crucial to ensuring that they recognize the signs.
every small town across America has at least a Greyhound bus station
Unfortunately, this is inaccurate. There are places throughout this country where there is next to nothing for a very long distance (certainly too far for a woman, with or without children in tow, to walk quickly enough to escape).
For example, the nearest bus station to where I live is a 40 mile drive. "Downtown" (a village store, post office, library, fire station, and town clerk) is 10 miles away. There is no taxi service. There is no police department. There is no ambulance service. There is an all-volunteer fire department. Except for main street, there aren't even fire hydrants.
I'm afraid the national perception of what constitutes rural is a bit more urban than rural life really is (trust me, you're not alone in the perception). We live in a place where most of the roads are dirt, and where it's possible to drive 40 miles on the main surface roads before you'll hit a red light ... because there simply aren't any. It's very easy to isolate someone here and in similar rural areas throughout the country.
Toss in the massive poverty, lack of services, easy access to liquor, and hunting culture (with the associated firearms), and abuse is very common.
People are working on education, but even that is hard in a rural area, because getting to those who need the information most is very difficult.
by mataliandy on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 10:55:22 AM PDT
I've always said I wanted to escape civilization and find a cave somewhere to get away from it all, but your explanation doesn't sound as if that would be a good idea. I guess even us old dogs can still learn new things. Thanks for the eye-opening lesson.
I hope all those in such dire circumstances can find help somehow. Seriously. What do you do if there is an emergency? i.e. heart attack, stroke, serious injury (not due to abuse), childbirth? I could help someone in trouble for some miles into the hinterlands if they could contact me, but that far removed from civilization is...well, I wouldn't even know how or where to begin. Perhaps snail mail could alert someone that help will be needed in the near future? There has to be some way to get around this hopelessness. There MUST be!
by Logical One on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 12:56:39 PM PDT
In rural communities, neighborliness is a godsend. People watch out for each other (with the flip-side being that they also know each other's business). If you've got a problem, you can can always give the neighbors a call and they'll come help - even if they don't really like you, because it's such a necessity in rural life.
Your trip to the hospital is not likely to be as pleasant in the neighbor's pickup, but it will be a whole lot faster than waiting for an ambulance to get to you from the hospital and bring you back. Also, lots of people have CPR and other first aid skill out of necessity.
Rural people are often painted as ignorant because of the reduced college education levels, but really they are just as smart as any other population, and far often better prepared for real life emergencies.
by mataliandy on Wed Jan 02, 2008 at 11:23:33 AM PDT
Men can be in abusive relationships with other men and women with abusive women, as well, and the same lessons apply. After an unfortunate experience in my own life, I was able to teach my little sister to put an entire relationship on "pause" if even one abusive statement is made.
How we know Daffy Duck is Republican: "It's mine, understand? Mine, all mine! Get back down there! Down down down! Go go go! Mine mine mine! Mwahahaha!" --BiPM
by rhetoricus on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 02:10:33 PM PDT
I say to people that I rely on the human instinct. It's the instinct that makes us run towards car accidents, towards fires, because we want to help. We recognize at some bone-deep level our common species and we want to help.
I think that instinct can work against us. It certainly did against you. But it proves that you are human, that your deepest instincts are good, that you persevere.
We call people without that instinct sociopaths, and their greatest power - if you can call it that - is that they fool the rest of us almost every time. It's the power of the devil, or the dark side, whatever you want to call it - the constant attempt to pull the rest of us into their darkness.
And you stayed in the light. {{{noweasels}}}
"Republicans are poor losers and worse winners." - My grandmother, sometime in the early 1960s
by escapee on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 07:50:10 AM PDT
Thank you so much, friend.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 11:08:14 AM PDT
I will contribute to, volunteer for and vote for Obama. But don't expect me to be enthused about a Constitutional Law professor who abandons the 4th Amendment.
by AndyT on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 08:18:35 AM PDT
I'm at least past the point where I pretend it did not happen. Bless you.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 11:08:57 AM PDT
so glad that you were able to get yourself out of that. I had a similar but less horrific situation with a former wife that had a lifelong eating disorder. She never threatened me, but threatened to kill herself on many occasions and even cut herself with a knife one night. She did once push me out of the car as she backed out of the driveway (she was in no shape to drive after not eating for days), and she did cut me once with her keys trying to take them away from me.
I called the cops on her, and she would also get out of the car at stoplights and run off....As for help - you are right - she signed herself out of at least 5 or 6 different facilities, but we tried and tried to keep her safe. It ended ugly, but at least I (as it seems as you have too) was able to pick up the pieces and start over.
Which made me stronger, and also realize that there is only so much that you can do for others before needing to help yourself. And while it took a while to realize that I wasn't the failure, I did realize it eventually....
peace and all the best.
Why John W. McCain is an unstable, crazy, angry, clueless, hypocritical, lying, pandering douche.
by clammyc on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 09:04:31 AM PDT
Bless you, dear friend. I am so glad for your wonderful new life and the forthcoming clammette.
by noweasels on Wed Dec 26, 2007 at 11:10:11 AM PDT
then helping with fire victims.
Great diary and domestic violence must be talked about, especially by men and women who don't fit the 'stereotype'....
I was forthright with my experiences almost 20 years ago and it helped to bring into play the Victim's Bill of Rights that Arizona wrote.
For ten years I assisted victims pro bono...it continues to be an issue close to my heart.
Sadly, the children are hurt the most..
Hugs your way and BE A VOICE...
by
